Written by Selena Lindamood, LPC
Licensed professional counselor in New Jersey specializing in infertility, pregnancy, postpartum, and perinatal mental health.
Pregnancy after loss (sometimes referred to as PAL) can be a complicated experience that’s incredibly emotionally draining. If you have experienced a previous miscarriage or pregnancy loss, it might feel hard to trust that this pregnancy will continue safely. While a positive pregnancy test used to be joyous, pregnancy after loss can come with mixed emotions that make navigating the experience challenging. Therapy can help you navigate pregnancy-related anxiety, grief, uncertainty, and complicated emotions.
For many, getting pregnant again can bring a confusing mix of emotions. Maybe you imagined feeling relieved and excited, but a positive test also brought fear, anxiety and grief. You want to feel excited, but you’re counting down the days until the next appointment, tracking every symptom and fearful of getting excited or attached.
Therapist Selena Lindamood explains why pregnancy after loss can feel emotionally difficult, how infertility and fertility treatment can affect a subsequent pregnancy, and how therapy can help you cope with pregnancy-related anxiety, grief, and uncertainty. If you’ve experienced a miscarriage or previous loss, pregnancy after loss can be a complicated experience. Know that there is no right way to feel. You can be hopeful and scared. Grateful and grieving. Excited and anxious. All at the same time.
How Previous Pregnancy Loss Can Affect a New Pregnancy
After a loss, getting pregnancy again can feel terrifying. It seems like others think that another pregnancy should erase the past. “You’re pregnant again! You can move on!” but it is far more complicated than that. Know that an increase in grief related to past losses is normal during pregnancy after loss.
A positive pregnancy test doesn’t erase your past experiences. The emotional impact of miscarriage and pregnancy loss does not end when the physical experience of loss has ended. For many parents, a new pregnancy triggers emotions related to previous losses. Certain dates, milestones or appointments might feel especially emotional. A particular doctor’s office or room might trigger feelings of fear, anxiety or grief. You might find yourself comparing symptoms, test results and milestones in your current pregnancy to your pregnancy experience prior to loss.
For some, approaching the point in their pregnancy where they previously experienced loss can trigger intense anxiety. An appointment or test where you’d previously received bad news might feel overwhelming or elicit feelings of dread. You might find yourself searching for statistics on loss at certain milestones, triple checking test results, struggling with the wait and uncertainty between check-ins or constantly seeking reassurance that things are progressing as expected. Pregnancy after loss can be exhausting.
Why Is Pregnancy After Loss So Anxiety-Inducing?
After experiencing a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, you know something you may not have understood before: pregnancy does not always guarantee the outcome you hoped for. That knowledge can change the way you feel about and experience pregnancy moving forward. Even when everything appears to be progressing normally, you might struggle to trust that things are okay, feel on high alert or struggle to emotionally connect with your pregnancy.
If you’ve previously experienced loss, you might:
Feel anxious between or before appointments
Worry or panic when pregnancy symptoms change or subside
Constantly check for signs that something is wrong
Search online for reassurance about symptoms, test results or experiences
Count down the days until your next appointment
Feel unable to relax
Avoid becoming emotionally attached to the pregnancy
Feel nervous about sharing your pregnancy with others or preparing for a new baby
These reactions are common after pregnancy loss. When something painful and unexpected has happened before, your mind tries to protect you by staying prepared for it to happen again. The way you’re feeling makes sense.
Pregnancy After Loss Feels Like Waiting for Something to Go Wrong
One of the hardest parts of pregnancy after loss can be the waiting. Waiting for symptoms to appear (or disappear). Waiting for the next bloodwork, appointment or ultrasound. A day where your symptoms feel less intense isn’t a relief, but triggers panic that sends you into a spiral. The wait between each appointment can feel torturous, and the relief only lasts for a little while before there’s another milestone to worry about. You might be counting down the days until you pass the point of a previous loss, hyperfixated on controlling every possible risk, or needing extra validation that everything is okay.
You May Have a Hard Time Trusting Your Body
Pregnancy after loss can change the way you feel about and experience your body. Before your loss, you may have trusted your body without thinking much about it. Now, you may find yourself constantly paying attention to what's happening inside of you.
Is that feeling normal?
Should I be feeling more?
Should I be feeling less?
Does this symptom mean something?
What if I don't know that something is wrong?
After you've experienced a loss, it makes sense that trusting your body may not feel as easy as it once did. You're not being irrational. You've been through something that taught you just how little control you have over something you care about deeply.
You Can Miss the Baby You Lost While Loving This Baby
Sometimes there can be an unspoken expectation that becoming pregnant again means you should be ready to move on. Please know that grief doesn’t work that way, and if you’re still grieving while pregnant after loss, your experience is valid. You can be excited about this pregnancy and still miss the baby you lost. You may feel sadness around the milestones or due date you once had. You may think about how far along you would have been, how old your baby would have been or wondering what they may have been like. These thoughts can feel hard to share, and can elicit feelings of guilt.
But remembering your loss doesn't take anything away from this pregnancy. You don't have to stop grieving in order to feel hopeful.
There Is No “Right” Way to Experience This Pregnancy
Maybe you feel connected to your pregnancy right away, or not. Maybe you want to buy all the baby things, maybe you’re too afraid to buy anything at all. Maybe you're excited to tell everyone, or maybe you'd rather keep the pregnancy to yourself for a while. None of these reactions mean that you’re doing something wrong.
You can deeply want this pregnancy and still struggle emotionally. This does not mean you’re a bad parent, it means you’re a human who’s been through something incredibly emotionally challenging. Again, I remind my clients often that two feelings can exist at once. You can be grateful and afraid, hopeful and afraid to get your hopes up, love your baby but feel afraid to let yourself get attached. A new pregnancy does not erase the grief of the pregnancy you lost. You can make space for the entirety of your emotional experience. Just like you can be grateful and still be afraid, you can feel fear, while still experiencing moments of joy.
How Therapy Can Help During Pregnancy After Loss
Pregnancy after loss can feel lonely, especially when the people around you don't quite understand why you're struggling. You may hear things like, “Try to stay positive,” or “This pregnancy is different.” These may be well-intentioned, they don't necessarily make the fear go away.
Therapy can give you a place where you don't have to make your feelings easier for someone else. You can talk about the loss, your fears, how badly you want this baby and how scared you are to let yourself relax. Therapy for pregnancy after loss provides a space to process the emotional impact of previous pregnancy loss while receiving support for the emotions that are coming up during your current pregnancy. While therapy cannot eliminate the uncertainty that comes with pregnancy or guarantee things go as planned, it can help you learn to cope with uncertainty differently and in a way that feels manageable and sustainable. Therapy can provide a space to:
Process grief related to previous miscarriage or pregnancy loss
Cope with anxiety between appointments
Manage intrusive thoughts and fears about something going wrong
Reduce compulsive reassurance-seeking and symptom checking
Make space for conflicting emotions
Understand how previous experiences continue to affect you
Practice and strategize ways to communicate your needs to your partner, family, friends, and medical providers
Develop practical coping tools for pregnancy-related anxiety
Prepare emotionally for postpartum and the transition to parenthood
Most importantly, therapy can be a place where you have permission to feel without judgement.
Finding Support for Pregnancy After Loss in New Jersey
If you're looking for a therapist for pregnancy after loss in New Jersey, it can be helpful to work with someone who understands both pregnancy loss and perinatal mental health.
At Willow Psychotherapy Group, I support women navigating infertility, pregnancy after loss, pregnancy and postpartum mental health, and the many emotions that can come with building a family.
My approach is warm, collaborative, and rooted in genuine connection. I won't tell you how you should feel or expect you to simply “think positive.” Instead, therapy is a place to open up about the complex emotions about pregnancy after loss, understand how previous losses are impacting your current pregnancy experience, and find ways to cope with anxiety, grief, fear and uncertainty. You don't have to navigate this pregnancy alone.
Therapy is not about convincing you that nothing bad will happen or telling you to simply stop worrying. Your fear makes sense in the context of what you have experienced. Instead, therapy provides an opportunity to better understand your emotional responses and develop ways to navigate uncertainty.
Frequently Asked Questions About Pregnancy After Loss (PAL)
Why am I so anxious during pregnancy after a miscarriage?
After experiencing a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, it can be difficult to trust that a subsequent pregnancy will be okay. You may feel especially anxious around appointments, pregnancy milestones, changes in symptoms, or anything that reminds you of your previous loss.
Is it normal to be afraid to get excited after pregnancy loss?
Yes. When you've experienced loss, allowing yourself to feel excited can feel vulnerable. You may worry that becoming attached will make another loss hurt even more. This doesn't mean you aren't grateful for your pregnancy.
Can I grieve my previous pregnancy while being happy about this pregnancy?
Absolutely! Grief and hope can exist at the same time. Becoming pregnant again doesn't erase the loss you experienced, just like a previous loss doesn’t erase the joy that a new pregnancy might bring.
When should I consider therapy after pregnancy loss?
If you’re feeling like the conflicting emotions coming up with a new pregnancy are difficult to manage and triggering anxiety and distress, or even if they just feel occasionally overwhelming, therapy can help. Therapy gives you a place to show up talk about what you’re feeling and know that the person sitting with you truly understands what you’re going through.
Can I see a pregnancy-after-loss therapist virtually in New Jersey?
Yes! Virtual therapy can make it easier to access specialized pregnancy and perinatal mental health support throughout New Jersey. You’re already managing life, work, and doctors appointments. Willow Psychotherapy Group offers virtual sessions that make it easier to fit therapy into your already busy life.
